


The Dunderheads of Death

by Lexen (bluedragoninamber)



Series: Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans:  A House for All of My Gen Stories [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Crack, Gen, pointless but funny, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 13:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20210470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedragoninamber/pseuds/Lexen
Summary: Even the Death Eaters have bad days.  Here are ten glimpses of the Death Eaters being dunderheads.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please Read: This story is mine. I am the original and only author. It was first posted on FFN more than five years ago. I don’t remember exactly when. I took all my stories down off the internet and left the HP fandom due to personal reasons. I am now returning to the fandom and reposting some of my old stories. When I posted these stories on FFN, my penname was Lexen (and sometimes Hope4astalemate and bluedragoninamber) though I usually went by Lex. To repeat, this story is mine. Please don’t claim I have stolen it from someone else. Also, please don’t ask me to repost a particular story. I will be reposting only those stories which I choose to repost, and I will only be reposting them here.

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Peter Pettigrew. The spell was _Accio_. The word was “important.”**

“Peter, why in Merlin’s name are you holding one of my peacocks?” Lucius asked, watching the elegant white bird struggle in Peter’s grasp.

“Sir, you ordered me to _accio_ your peacock. Here he is, just like you wanted!” The creature started to poke Peter in the eyes.

Lucius sighed and shook his blond head. “Peter, I ordered you to _accio_ my pea coat, not my peacock. I have an important meeting with my muggle solicitor today, and I must blend in with the rabble.”

Peter nodded as well as he was able, considering the peacock was now attacking his neck. “Of course sir, it was my mistake. I will go and retrieve your coat.”

Lucius smirked at the beleaguered man. “What is the matter, Peter? Do you dislike my peacocks?”

Peter sounded even more insignificant than usual when he answered, “Oh no, sir! I do so love a spirited bird!”

Lucius hid his chuckle behind a gloved hand as he watched Peter miserably slink away, still under attack from the peacock. As for the bird, he would bring it a special treat for dinner. After enduring Peter, the bird deserved it.


	2. Chapter 2

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Draco Malfoy. The spell was _Expecto Patronum_. The word was “miracle.”**

_“Expecto Patronum!”_

Lucius whirled around. The spell was rarely heard at Malfoy Manor because, well, they were all Death Eaters. Dark magic did not lend itself to the casting of a Patronus. But that had most definitely been the spell he had heard. Even more unusual, the caster had been his son.

Draco Malfoy stared in wonder at the silvery shape emerging from his wand. The grin on his face was rarely seen, and the words that emerged from his mouth made Lucius think twice about allowing Draco to spend so much time with the imprisoned Luna Lovegood. 

“It’s a miracle! I’m not dark after all; I’ve got to show Luna!”

Before Lucius could say a word, Draco had raced off toward the dungeon. His bewildered father was left to ponder the significance of his son’s Patronus. He would have expected a snake or even a peacock. 

But the silvery form looked suspiciously like a rather large turkey…a turkey that was decidedly unhappy with him. 

Abruptly, Lucius decided that a visit with Luna might be an excellent idea. 


	3. Chapter 3

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Severus Snape. The spell was _Alohomora_. The word was “maybe.”**

Severus was not having a good day. Having endured three endless classes of dunderhead potions students, he had hoped that an excursion to Malfoy Manor to browse its library for a new book would be just the thing to lift his mood.

It would have if the library hadn’t been locked. He’d been casting _Alohomora_ for ten minutes now, and the library seemed no closer to allowing him to enter than it had when he started. Nervously, he glanced around him. It wouldn’t do for anyone to see such a magically capable man having difficulty with such a simple spell.

“Maybe it’s not working because you are casting the spell at the wall rather than the door.”

Severus met Lucius’s bemused gaze. Then he looked back at the wall and at the library door which was quite a ways further down the hall.

Yes, Severus was definitely not having a good day.


	4. Chapter 4

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Bellatrix Lestrange. The spell was _Crucio_. The word was “tease.”**

The Dark Lord heard the soft footsteps in the pitch black of his bedroom in Malfoy Manor. The intruder had entered slowly and was now approaching his bedside. It was just as well that he slept with his wand. No one was going to get the better of him, and he or she was about to get a rude awakening.

_“Crucio!”_ he screamed as he whipped the satin sheets out of the way and aimed his wand in the direction of the noise.

Bellatrix Lestrange dropped to the floor and started to scream.

Another spell lit the lamp. Lord Voldemort sighed down at the writhing body, shaking his bald head in exasperation.

“How many times must I tell you, Bella? Teasing a Dark Lord who sleeps with his wand is never a good idea.”


	5. Chapter 5

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Lucius Malfoy. The spell was _Stupefy_. The word was “whisper.”**

Severus was the teacher, and Lucius was glad of it. Granted, the two of them were friends, but Severus was a half-blood. It was appropriate that he get stuck instructing dunderheads since Lucius had more important things to do.

So why in Merlin’s name was Lucius stuck trying to teach absurdly simple spells to the new crop of low-level Death Eaters?

His first lesson was proving to be less than successful.

“No, no, no, you do it like this! Here, let me show you one more time. _Stupefy!”_

Unfortunately, his student had moved, and a very stupefied Dark Lord lay unconscious on the floor.

He wasn’t surprised when his students fled the room. 

“Oh, Merlin, how am I ever going to get out of this one?” Lucius whispered.

The Dark Lord was already stirring, and Lucius swallowed hard. He had a feeling it was going to be a very long day indeed.


	6. Chapter 6

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Avery. The spell was _Expelliarmus_. The word was “meaning.”**

“Avery, you must improve your speed! You will never be a competent Death Eater if you cast so slowly. Now, let us try again. Attempt to disarm me before I disarm you.”

The only other time Avery had been so terrified had been when he begged for mercy from his reborn Lord. Now, that Lord was trying to hone his fighting skills, and all Avery could think about was just what the Dark Lord might do to him if he messed up.

Pale and sweating, Avery tried to concentrate. He raised his wand at his Lord.

_“Expelliarmus!”_

It worked. It worked a bit too well. Not only was the Dark Lord’s wand in his hand in addition to his own, but his overpowered spell had knocked him entirely off his feet.

Avery trembled as his Lord stood up, brushing off his robes.

“I don’t think you understood my meaning. I intended for you to disarm me, not knock me down. Perhaps I can help you understand better. Return my wand.”

Lucius, walking by the unsilenced room, grimaced when Avery started screaming.


	7. Chapter 7

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Crabbe Sr. The spell was _Avada Kedavra_. The word was “ghost.”**

When Severus heard Crabbe Sr. scream, he knew it couldn’t be good news. Running into the room, he found the towering Death Eater white as a ghost, staring in horrified bewilderment down at the very still body of Goyle Sr.

Severus sighed, making a valiant effort to keep his temper in check. It was clear from the look on Crabbe’s face that he had not intended to do what he’d done and that he might not even have much of an idea of how he’d done it.

Wandless, wordless Unforgivables were simply not the province of Death Eaters like Crabbe Sr. At least, that was what Severus had always believed.

“Crabbe, why is Goyle dead on the floor?”

Crabbe scrunched up his face as if the question pained him. “I don’t know, sir. Goyle made me angry, and I was thinking about how he always made me angry and teased me. I was thinking about how I wished I could use _Avada Kedavra_ on him, and then he was here on the floor.” Crabbe looked even more confused. “I didn’t do this, did I?”

Severus knew it was going to be another very long day.


	8. Chapter 8

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Rabastan Lestrange. The spell was _Imperio_. The word was “photo.”**

“Rabastan, I really have other business to attend to. Dark Lord duties call. Surely, this ludicrous photo can wait.”

Rabastan ducked out from behind the wizarding camera hovering in the air in front of a somewhat organized posing of all living, active Death Eaters.

“But my Lord, the Order of the Phoenix has photos of its organization! We can’t let them be better than us! We need a photo of ours too!” Rabastan looked perilously close to stomping his foot like a spoiled child.

“Rabastan, the photo will wait,” the Dark Lord responded, a slight hiss in his words. Everyone started to back away. When their Lord started hissing, it was always a sign that bad things were going to happen.

_“Imperio!”_ the spell took everyone by surprise as the Dark Lord froze, his red eyes going blank. Rabastan smirked as he held his wand on his Lord.

“Now, my Lord, you will take your place in the group immediately,” Rabastan commanded. To everyone’s shock, the now docile Dark Lord did just as Rabastan had ordered him.

One successful photo later, Peter Pettigrew asked the question on everyone’s mind.

“Rabastan, can you make him do anything else?”

The Dark Lord would later outright deny that the photo of him turning cartwheels across the Malfoy’s dining table in a pink tutu was real.


	9. Chapter 9

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Alecto Carrow. The spell was _Lumos_. The word was “fire.”**

“Amycus, stop stepping on my heels!”

“Alecto, you were the one who insisted we didn’t need to use _Lumos_ for this little excursion.”

“It’s not my fault that the Malfoy’s house elves aren’t doing their job!”

“Do you really expect them to keep a fire going in an unused bedroom?”

“Why not? The Malfoys always have guests. Now, let’s just get the stupid book and get out of here.”

“Remind me again what it is we’re looking for.”

“It’s a book with a piece of our Lord’s soul in it. He called it a horcrux. Apparently, he gave it to Lucius and figures that Lucius keeps it hidden in here.”

They paused for a moment.

“You didn’t understand a word of that, did you?”

“No. But our Lord doesn’t need us to understand it, just to find it.”

“Agreed. Just between us, I didn’t understand a word of it either.”

“That makes two of us.”


	10. Chapter 10

** Disclaimer ** **: I don’t own it, and I make no money off of it. **

** AN ** **: This “story” is a collection of drabbles about the Death Eaters acting like “dunderheads.” The drabbles are submissions for the “Pick a List” competition on HPFC. The level was hard, so each drabble has a Death Eater main character, a spell, and a random word as prompts. I have rated this collection teen for safety. **

** For this drabble, the character was Amycus Carrow. The spell was _Nox_. The word was “darling.”**

There were some things a brother was just better off not seeing. For Amycus, inadvertently stumbling upon his sister entwined with Fenrir Greyback was definitely one of those things. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know that his sister was a woman. He just preferred to think of her like a muggle nun, bound to chastity for the entirety of her life. Certainly, if she had felt the need to take a lover, couldn’t it have been someone a little more refined than a werewolf?

The room was mostly dark, lit only by the fire in the fireplace before the couch on which Alecto and Fenrir were cuddling. Amycus quickly cast _Nox_ on his wand. His sister was a darling to him most of the time, but when he intruded on her privacy, she made certain that he felt the full force of her wrath.

Backing away quickly, Amycus made a beeline for Lucius’s study where he kept the stronger drink. Pumpkin juice just wasn’t going to cut it this time.


End file.
